why the hell [Insights]

why do i even bother having self righteous "friends".. bullshit. I had enough. As I have told myself earlier no more mr nice guy. I'll clean people full of shit out of my world.

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I am happy I'm angry again.. [Insights]

I remember my values education class back in the seminary.. in discovering who we are.. we were characterized what of the 7 deadly sins personifies us.. I was wrath.. well.. you can't see that much from me now.. maybe if somebody else would categorize me now.. most likely they'll say I'm lust.. haha! (but green jokes are funny =P atleast for me) That just mean you don't know me well enough. Personally, I think I upgraded from 1 to all of them.

But.. wrath is still my favorite or it's the worst for me. It's not that I am constantly angry.. but when I do express the emotion.. it's like it came out of nowhere. It's best described with the "tea kettle principle".. you take, and take.. and take in everything.. until ultimately explode. It's fun right? It's the ultimate release but what I feel after the eruptioin sucks! The guilt of why I've done such a horrible and stupid thing. The regret that I was so weak that I wasn't able to hold it in for just a little while.. that maybe I would've done something a little less or maybe nothing at all.. and let it go again. The guilt will eat me up and make me feel the worst person in the world. And then after I have punished myself, to live with my actions and, of course, mend or deal with the relationships I've broken (if the person is still breathing or trembling with fear every time he/she sees me).

I hate that feeling. I hate myself for it. That's why I have to use this smiling fool of a mask every moment of my life so I wouldn't encounter that again. The nice guy.. always the loser.. and that's me. Only thing that comforts me right now is that at least I have this feeling of anger.. instead of nothing.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering

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